Under the aegis of the World Health Organization and with financial backing from H. B., I’m starting a global dating service, Analfuck69 (H’s idea). In this era of social isolation, economic hardship, cultural degradation, screen addiction and food shortages, it’s getting harder to make friends, much less go on a date. Still, no man, woman, transsexual or child should have to masturbate alone, so stop it now! Whatever your perversion(s), you’ll find your perfect match(es), sort of, on Analfuck69. With endless virtual partners, you can stroke together until Armageddon. (Though it may come next week, there will be no refund on your lifetime subscription. Sorry!)
It all started with Hunter giving me shit, “What the fuck are you doing, man?! Sweating your balls off for chump change on SubStack! What the fuck is SubStack?! You’re what, 59, 60, and you ain’t got dogshit. That’s because you’ve been playing junior varsity whiffle ball all these years! We’ll move you up to single A, at least. You brag about eating a $15 bowl of sashimi. Shit, man, I spend more than that on a peanut! I’m just trying to help you out, dude. With Analfuck69, we can be pimps together.”
“Hey, don’t say that word! We’ll bring people together. Love, peace and all that bullshit. You’ll never stroke alone!”
“Now you’re thinking! Join Analfuck69. You’ll never stroke alone!”
As our world comes tumbling down, it’s too apt so many of us have consented to having our most gregarious orifice blocked. Not yet acculturated, babies don’t understand this fear, but they, too, have been muzzled, such is our collective madness
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